poeple are so weird - a new post idea

I've had some free time at work today (how unsusual) so I've been reading Mitch Hedberg jokes and laughing out loud and disturbing my neighbours in more ways than one. I'm going to post some of my favourites here, but before you read them, you have to see Mitch Hedberg in order to appreciate his delivery. So watch that video before reading on. Alright.

• A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"
• I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
• This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
• I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on here? Who is the real hero?
• Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
• I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
• I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
• I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."
• A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."
• I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
• I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.
• I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
• I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
• A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
• I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
• I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
• I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."
• I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
• They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
• This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it's dirty.
• I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."
• I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
• I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.
• I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, "Fore!" I was too busy yelling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"
• I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
• I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

That'll brighten up anyone's day. Of course, Mitch is dead. I couldn't let you go on being happy for too long, now could I?

I work in a call centre where I receive questions on legislation from all kinds. Mitch's enjoyment of life's little oddities has lead me to include a daily quote of something stupid/ridiculous that has been said to me or one of the other two people in my office. The first quote, and the one that inspired it all, came to Christie in the middle of a conversation with no context whatsoever:

Christie: "What's the name of the company?"
Caller: "Niwre is Erwin spelled backwards."
Christie: "What does that mean?"
Silence.

That's all folks.